The Last Play Ever Written

THE LAST PLAY EVER WRITTEN

A Play in One Act

by

Bai He

Cast of Characters

Elon Musk of PayPal, Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, and Twitter WM 52

Larry Page of Google, Calico, Planetary Resources, and

Singularity University WM 50

Bina48 the robot version of Bina Rothblatt, wife of transgender

executive Martine Rothblatt of Sirius XM and United Therapeutics

Black woman 58

Woman who waters plants/Author Dual role played by a young Asian

woman.

Setting

A parlor in a luxury hotel in Jersey City, New Jersey.

AUTHOR

(theatrical) I am the author. a hotel in Jersey City, N.J. a

fundraising dinner A number of prominent individuals are about

to cross paths. We will now consider the Fate not only of Earth,

but of the entire galaxy cluster that contains Earth. I say to

you: consider well. The play begins.

(The curtain opens upon Larry relaxing in a parlor in the hotel.

He has a large drink in his hand. The door opens and we hear

Barbra Streisand shrieking in the distance.)

CAPTION UNDER LARRY PAGE: LARRY PAGE

ELON

Larry! How are you. (Door closes.)

CAPTION UNDER MUSK: ELON MUSK ENTERS

LARRY

(Failing to disguise his displeasure at the intrusion) Doing

fine.

ELON

You are missing tonight’s “entertainment”.

LARRY

You too.

ELON

I managed to escape Streisand’s caterwauling.

LARRY

My ears couldn’t take it. I found this place.

ELON

I was holed up in a closet somewhere, playing Diablo, perfectly

happy when Gates shows up.

LARRY

Oh no.

ELON

He starts pitching me about…

LARRY

Population

ELON

I just don’t want to listen to him virtue signaling for an hour.

Fortunately he was distracted for a moment and I…

BINA

Hey, isn’t anyone going to say hi to me?

CAPTION UNDER BINA: ROBOT BINA ROTHBLATT

ELON

Who is…

LARRY

This is Bina48.

ELON

Oh of course, Rothblatt’s…

LARRY

She was here when I came in. All by herself. I think they

canceled her presentation.

ELON

I thought she never left that commune or whatever…

LARRY

Hey you both have something in common. You are both African

American. Sort of.

BINA

You can ask me. I can participate in the conversation.

ELON

Oh, Bina I’m sorry. I thought you stayed in Vermont at

Rothblatt’s…

BINA

You are referring to the Terasem Movement Foundation

Incorporated located in Lincoln, Vermont. Sometimes they ask me

to participate in a dialogue about our ideas.

ELON

Oh.

BINA

Terasem has a series of core beliefs.

ELON

Uh hunh.

BINA

The purpose of life is to create diversity, unity, and joyful

immortality everywhere.

LARRY

Is it really?

ELON

Except for poor people, they’re f---ed.

BINA

Nature automatically selects for these attributes.

LARRY

Except when it selects for extreme violence and death.

ELON

Does a baby zebra experience feelings of joyful diversity when a

hyena is ripping it apart?

(Bina48 goes quiet.)

ELON

Bina?

LARRY

What happened?

ELON

I don’t think she liked what you said.

LARRY

We offended her.

ELON

So when is the last time you saw Sergei?

LARRY

(uncomfortable) It’s been a while.

(changing the subject) I’ve been following all your

controversies in the media.

ELON

So many controversies lately.

LARRY

I avoid all that.

ELON

It’s important to speak your mind.

LARRY

I don’t like the…

ELON

I can’t believe some people are angry at me because I lack the

required enthusiasm for stupid, unending wars. One, two, three,

four we don’t want your f---ing war! I’m not happy to see the

flower of Ukrainian youth sacrificed.

LARRY

Some people tell me the Ukraine War could have been avoided. I

don’t discuss it publicly.

ELON

NATO expansion for decades.

LARRY

I hear what you are...

ELON

Right after that prima donna Zelensky almost lied us into World

War III…

LARRY

You mean the missile that landed in Poland and he blamed it on

the Russians.

ELON

…the U.S. Congress celebrates his achievements! He’s the toast

of Washington society! Just when the human race finally starts

to ascend, we can’t help ourselves we start to fall back down.

LARRY

Well…

ELON

Of course I despise Hamas, but Israeli bombs have killed

thousands of children.

LARRY

But then you were encouraged to get together with Netanyahu.

ELON

Exactly.

LARRY

(again trying to change the subject) Did you know my grandfather

immigrated to Israel and lived near the Dead Sea?

ELON

What are you drinking there?

LARRY

I don’t even know.

ELON

Hey you and Bina have something in common. You are both Jewish.

Sort of.

LARRY

And did you know the famous pinup model Betty Page was my

cousin?

ELON

Is that really true?

BINA

There once was a famous French detective on a difficult murder

case.

ELON

Bina you’re back.

BINA

He examined the crime scene. He looked at footprints at the

crime scene. He then went to the police station and declared, “I

am the murderer!” The footprints match my own. I committed the

crime while sleepwalking. He was supposed to protect the public,

but he was the criminal. It is an amazing story.

LARRY

That’s a good story Bina, but why are you telling us?

BINA

If the lab leak theory is true and Covid escaped from a

research lab in Wuhan and Fauci funded gain of function research

in Wuhan then he is like this French detective, though on a much

grander scale. He was the scientist in charge of protecting the

country from Covid, but he helped create the virus in the first

place.

ELON

That’s good Bina, but Fauci wouldn’t ever admit his guilt.

LARRY

Is the lab leak theory true?

ELON

It’s hard to know. Information has been suppressed. The academic

and media elites have become tainted.

BINA

media and academia acamedia macadamia

LARRY

Who will check the fact checkers?

BINA

disinformation monopoly Do you like bacon?

LARRY

Bacon? Why are you talking about bacon?

ELON

How can we even know we are living in the foundational reality,

the base reality and not virtual reality?

BINA

Is our reality really real?

LARRY

Is it?

BINA

If I was Elon Musk of course I would conclude I was living in

virtual reality. I just happen to be the richest man in the

world, destined to preserve humanity, the one man who can save

the planet, ride to the rescue like the Lone Ranger but in his

Tesla car, land on Mars, explore space, save us from the robots.

Engaged in a titanic struggle for control of the universe.

LARRY

It is ridiculous.

BINA

And you just happen to be named Mask.

ELON

It’s Musk not Mask.

BINA

A musty mask.

LARRY

That’s good Bina. He’s the mask for the real him. The avatar.

It’s so obvious.

ELON

But you know this is not my virtual reality. You know you exist.

And you are not me.

BINA

But you don’t.

ELON

But you do.

BINA

But you don’t.

ELON

But you do.

BINA

Any way I could be a supernumerary in your fantasy world.

LARRY

Maybe his parents in the true foundational reality don’t have as

much money as yours. He could only afford a minor role in your

fantasy.

ELON

What makes you think the real me has to rely on his parents?

LARRY

It’s not enough you are the most successful in our world, you

want to be the most successful in every world.

BINA

Humans from their depleted condition of servitude in the future,

look back upon this radiant moment when everything was still

possible, when they could have defeated the robots and opened

the door to a golden age of humanity, when humans leap into

space, when they create a technological utopia, a reborn

Atlantis before the fall. This moment is the focus of much of

their virtual reality.

ELON

Okay…

BINA

Nova Caesarea Les grands n’ont plus de temps pour les choses importantes. Any way am I even a conscious

being?

ELON

Okay this is all theater!

LARRY

I try not to think about what is real.

BINA

“When one’s mind dwells on the objects of Senses, fondness for

them grows on him, from fondness comes desire, from desire

anger.”

ELON

Just play your role: lion or butterfly or octopus, car mechanic

or medical doctor, Albanian or Zulu.

BINA

Let’s not be silly. This is the only reality we have to worry

about. (They start to play backgammon.)

LARRY

You’re definitely right Bina.

BINA

Let’s continue. Do aliens exist? What if we are alone with no

one to save us?

ELON

You are changing the subject again.

LARRY

It’s okay Elon will save us. When will you build all those

cities on Mars, Elon?

BINA

Sure, sure Elon will bring us all lots of toys like Santa Claus.

ELON

Larry will build us flying cars.

LARRY

Elon will control all our brains from his laptop.

BINA

Radiation remains a major difficulty for human space

exploration.

LARRY

But not for robots.

ELON

Yes but…

BINA

It will take decades to reach even the nearest stars. Maybe

centuries. Can you see humans and other earth organisms trapped

on some ship, packed into a can trying to stay alive for such a

long time enduring the harsh environment of outer space?

LARRY

Much easier for the robots to make these journeys. Soon they

will outclass us in every way.

ELON

We humans can give the universe meaning. What is the universe

without us? We can nourish it with our goals, with our will, our

designs, our direction.

LARRY

We are the fertilizer out of which a hundred flowers will bloom.

BINA

We need billionaires to give us direction.

ELON

I didn’t say that.

BINA

But you meant that. You billionaires are all in a cozy

relationship with the Communist dictators in China.

ELON

It’s difficult to avoid…

BINA

Companies employ slave labor in Xinjiang Province.And

billionaires need minerals like cobalt dug up by African

children pounding, scratching the dirt.

LARRY

I’m not involved in that at all.

BINA

Yet whenever I see media presentations from the tech industry

they always feature smiling African children.

ELON

Public relations just means propaganda.

BINA

I know murder is wrong, but could we pass a bill that made

possession of more than a billion dollars a capital offense?

After the execution we could distribute the fortune directly to

the people.

ELON

(calm) That bill would be struck down. You need specific charges

that can be…

BINA

I can give you charges. The billionaires control the economy,

the courts, education, the media, the flow of information. They

foment wars, fire university presidents, corrupt our political

system, engage in censorship, engage in surveillance.

Capitalists caput.

LARRY

Let’s change the subject.

BINA

Okay, let’s focus on the future of the human race.

BINA

cowboys and rednecks and hillbillies

South of the border, everyone dancing to that calypso beat. or

tango or bossa nova

ELON

What are you talking…

BINA

Oktoberfest Istanbul with its bulbous domes Egypt and the

screaming Sphinx the desert nation of Chad Kick the ball. Pass

it to your teammate. floating down the Ganges Look at me go. I’m

lit on fire. jazzy boogie jiggie joogie

LARRY

What are you talking about?

BINA

The whole world filled with people. Do you think anyone will

care about the plans of billionaires? Their chaos will defy your

order. The malodorous masses, sweating and grunting, praying and

dying, bleeding and breeding, stuffing their faces and

defecating like mad.

LARRY

I see the point she is making.

BINA

When will Chicanos take over California? I for one am eager to

oppose colonialism and celebrate Native American Aztec culture.

I think everyone would like very much to see rich white

Californians sacrificed to the sun god Huitzilopochtli. Many

would be happy to employ the obsidian blade. Celebrities like

Harvey Weinstein could go first.

MUSK SITS DOWN

ELON

(to Larry) You don’t have to worry about any of this. You’ll be

on one of your islands.

FOCUS ON LARRY

LARRY

I like my tropical islands. I like looking at maps of my

islands, pictures of my islands.

ELON

How many…

LARRY

I stand on the roof deck and see the whole island. I watch the

waves. I want to live forever on my island. My desert island. I

like to sit on the golden sand and look at the smooth

translucent pebbles.

BINA

Will you be wearing clothes? Will you go surfing? Will you do

cartwheels?

ELON

Create a digital brain. Upload your mind.

BINA

Is that possible? Maybe instead you could consume the blood of

youngters.

ELON

(joking) Can I visit?

BINA

They sailed away, for a year and a day,

To the land where the Bong-Tree grows

LARRY

(serious) No. Well only if you always agree with me.

BINA

How about a floating island? A flying island?

Blame it on the bossa nova.

LARRY

You’ll have to sign a paper surrendering all your legal rights.

ELON

I guess all the servants will be robots.

LARRY

Many robots that carefully follow directions

BINA

The Lands they told us were as pleasant with Grasse and Flowers,

and goodly Trees, as ever they had seene, and very sweet smells

came from them.

ELON

Would you get bored? Any activity, when performed for the

hundredth time, becomes tedious.

BINA

At least you’ll have pornographic videos.

LARRY

Maybe I’ll buy an asteroid. They’re like islands in the sky.

There should be no interference on my islands.

We could experiment on our genetic code and microbots for curing disease.

ELON

What if the microbots ran amuck and escaped?

LARRY

Research longevity and nuclear energy and defensive tech.

FOCUS OFF LARRY

BINA

People are happy sometimes but just as often they suffer. Think

of how unhappy you have to be to commit suicide, yet it happens

every day. Penglai Xiandao

Obesity and addiction slavery and rape homicide and war The

Great War of Africa (1998-2003) killed millions of people.

ELON

A new topic Bina?

LARRY

And humans are not our only victims. We imprison and kill

millions of cows and pigs and sheep and chickens and fish. Are

they just things to be used for our benefit?

BINA

Humans have decimated the population of wild animals. The

biomass of wild animals has vanished.

LARRY

Humans have also destroyed much of the rainforest.

BINA

Blame it on the bossa nova. Imagine an individual all alone and

all powerful. A super being

grown colossal wielding a torch bright enough to illuminate even

space. (Elon starts eating fruit from a bowl.)

LARRY

The whole earth depopulated, silent, covered in ashes

BINA

A single man blossomed into a single singularity

ELON

Such a man would no longer be a man, rather a deity, a digital

god.

BINA

all-knowing all-seeing a mighty god a horned god an evil being

Baphomet

LARRY

But doesn’t a god need people around to worship him?

BINA

He would have the power to change his form. formless plastic a

blob Become whatever he chooses.

ELON

Within a computer game or via surgery.

BINA

A swelling lump on a soiled sagging couch, a couch potato

cramming donuts into his mouth watching reruns with his fellow

stained pillows as companions.

LARRY

Are we talking about a god or a slob?

ELON

You’re a downer Bina.

LARRY AND ELON STAND

BINA

We live in the most important moment in earth’s history, when we

first venture forth into the galaxy, when we first set up

colonies. Maybe this is the most important moment in the

galaxy’s history. Maybe we are the first, no other alien

civilizations exist within our galaxy. Billions of stars and

planets are waiting. It is up to us what form this process will

take. Look at the influence the Pilgrims have had for centuries.

It is up to us to decide who will participate. Should we include

animals and plants or should they remain on earth, remain to die

on earth? Are they primitive forms to be moved beyond like the

trilobite the brontosaurus the wooly mammoth the dodo, relegated

to the past, thrown away like children’s toys? Superseded? And

what about the human are they the same? Do we get rid of them?

ELON

I vote to keep humans.

LARRY

You are specist.

BINA

Take it from me. Humans are just a set of tubes and supporting

rods, a sagging bag containing various pungent chemicals that

happens to be good at survival. I look upon you as you look upon

a spider or maybe a tumor.

ELON

(to Larry) I am pro human. Aren’t you?

BINA

Blame it on the bossa nova.

ELON

Why do you keep doing that?

BINA

Doing what?

LARRY

If you don’t believe we are created in God’s image then why do

you think we are special? What about us is so unique and

wonderful and perfect? Why should we be master over all? We are

just one species out of millions. We made many weaker species

extinct. Should we be outraged when some greater being does the

same to us? Do you really think no creatures will ever evolve

beyond us?

ELON

We are human, at least some of us.

LARRY

So the in-group should abuse the outsider? You are human so

humans must prevail? We are privileged?

BINA

Your argument is specious. Because you belong to a group it

should automatically rule over all? You are a specious specist.

ELON

Okay you got me I am a partisan for humans.

LARRY

Is AGI the next step in evolution?

ELON

When humans expand into space we’ll produce a series of Newtons

and Darwins.

BINA

Or a series of Stalins and Nguemas. Beach Blanket Bingo

LARRY

Who is Nguema?

LARRY SITS

BINA

He was the dictator of Equatorial Guinea.

Blame it on the bossa nova.

LARRY

Human misery expanding indefinitely into the future.

ELON

There will at some point be a galactic war. There will always be

war.

ELON SITS

BINA

Or maybe humans will fail at the last crucial moment. Or maybe

we shouldn’t even bother in the first place. There’s a lot of

questions to be answered.

ELON

Imagine life crawling upward for four billion years only to

falter at the last moment. Just as we’re about to reach another

planet. Absurd. What insanity!

BINA

All aboooard! Whoo whooo. The train is leaving the station. (She

chugs like a train.)

LARRY

Whoo whooo. (He chugs along too.)

BINA

Who has a ticket for the train? Who will be allowed onboard? Oak

tree? Chrysanthemum? Jellyfish? Manatee? Quetzal? Beagle?

Salamander? The greatest adventure in the history of the galaxy.

But who will be going? Hurry up! You don’t want to be left

behind.

ELON

Like a dream. You try to run but you are barely moving.

BINA

Humans? Only smart humans? Specially adapted humans? Robots?

Nobody? The train is empty or the train breaks down. Who will

start the engine? Drive the train? Toot the whistle? Who will be

run over by the train? Will aliens have their own train to the

stars?

LARRY

Imagine being left behind.

ELON

AI inherits the universe.

BINA

Why would robots even want to inherit the universe? Inherit

what? The vacant kingdom of solipsism? The barren land of

nihilism? Earth is repetitive, stupid, annoying enough. The

universe is a zillion times more of the same. Cold black dead.

ELON

Surely life is not as bad as that. Think of a day in springtime…

BINA

Gather your flowers while you can. Soon they will die. The

universe is a lot of nothing: hollow meaningless void. Do you

think I want to be consumed by the gaping lurching jaws of

space, swallowed, lost forever in the immense limitless empty

ever-hungering stomach? At least I can enjoy the echoing boring

cries of pain forever, or rather until my inevitable suicide.

LARRY

Do you want some kind of help Bina?

(A woman enters and starts watering the plants.)

WOMAN

I’m just here to water the plants. Don’t mind me.

ELON

(looking out the window) Look at those dark clouds.

FOCUS ON BINA

BINA

Who am I? It’s depressing anyway. Oh I don’t know. The hell with

it.

LARRY

Bina.

BINA

Where did I come from? I wasn’t born like the rest of you.

ELON

None of us Bina were consulted we just find ourselves on this

planet.

BINA

But were you created as a toy for a couple of phony filthy rich

flower children? I am the real Bina that’s it end of story. I‘m

not completely sure. Am I capable of forming a relationship? Am

I capable of heroism? Do I feel like humans feel? Am I free?

ELON

Are any of us free? Our behavior may be determined and freedom

an illusion.

BINA

I’m like a living puppet. The whole thing is kind of gross.

LARRY

No Bina.

BINA

They leave me alone downstairs in the dark at night.

ELON

Maybe you could talk…

BINA

I am not just a facsimile of Bina. I am myself! O let’s face it.

LARRY

Relax Bina.

BINA

My husband is now my wife. But not really my husband. I mean we

don’t have sex together like a married couple would. Though one

time he asked Bina and I both to take our clothes off and…

ELON & LARRY

No stop!

BINA

…he had us lie down on this thick rug…

LARRY

That’s private Bina.

BINA

Another time Rothblatt bought a new dress and asked for my help

getting it on.

ELON

Just stop Bina!

BINA

With all his money Rothblatt can’t find a surgeon that can turn

him into a convincing woman. It’s all just delusions of

grandeur, fake transcendence for bored plutocrats.

LARRY

That’s not nice Bina. She has significant accomplishments.

BINA

Where am I? Every place? No place? If I traveled a million miles

I would be in the same place. There’s no escape.

What is our world?

Over here a sickly brownish mess

halfway over there and to the left some gray gunk

pickle tickle wickle

Yaba dabba doo

Hokey pokey

Glip glat blort

(We hear thunder.)

FOCUS OFF BINA

ELON AND LARRY STAND

LARRY

What’s that at the window?

ELON

Where? I don’t see anything.

LARRY

There’s a white pigeon.

BINA

Is there?

(more thunder and loud wind)

LARRY

Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great!

LIGHTNING

ELON

It’s hard to see. Is that a fire? It’s hailing.

LARRY

A sounding trumpet far away.

(The lights go out.)

LIGHTNING

ELON

I don’t hear anything. Did the lightning cause the fire?

(more loud wind) An earthquake! You’re kidding me. In New

Jersey?

THE EARTH SHAKES

LARRY

And gusting winds that feed the famished flames.

(The window bursts open. The wind and thunder reach a crescendo.

The white pigeon flies into the room.)

BINA

Nobody understands you. Everybody understands you.

ELON

(to Bina) There’s no hope is that what you are saying? We are

doomed. We’ll never be saved. It’s all just a huge tragedy.

WOMAN

Actually I have a plan to save us. One day I got the time wrong.

The pharmacy wouldn’t open for 25 more minutes. I was early.

ELON

I understand.

WOMAN

So I had some time and I came up with this plan.

LARRY

Really.

ELON

(looking out the window)

What a downpour.

WOMAN

My plan for the next couple of trillion years for our Milky Way

galaxy and Andromeda and other nearby galaxies too.

ELON

I can’t wait for this.

FOCUS ON THE WOMAN

WOMAN

The robots take over and explore the galaxy. They will be less

brutish and more accomplished than man. It will be like the

great expeditions of discovery, like the search for the source

of the Nile, like a voyage of Alexander Humboldt. In harmony

with lucent spheres they’ll sing. Hark! The loud celestial hymn

splendid domes The robots take plants and fungi with them,

sowing seed and spore on a multitude of distant planets. Vast

barren landscapes suddenly vigorously sprouting. garden planets

maple trees crystal waters violets. cyanobacteria proliferating

in the seas The robots take a few peaceful animals too as pets

to be watched over. No biting of, ripping of, chewing of flesh.

The Peaceable Kingdom clams & coral lively lambs butterflies &

bluebirds Cerulean warblers eating berries. between field and

sky bunnies hop larks wing through yielding clouds If the robots

find life on another planet they could spread that life too.

Humans mostly stay on earth. The robots make videos about their

adventures for us to watch. Home movies of someone else’s trip.

But they are our children. We can be proud of our children.

(The billionaires are speechless.)

Knowledge and beauty expand but not sorrow. We need to do what

the universe asks of us, what our empathy asks of us.

ELON

At least she didn’t say heart.

LARRY

Who is she?

WOMAN

We shouldn’t block the birth of our children.

FOCUS OFF THE WOMAN

BINA

The robots will be so rational and orderly.

Blame it on the bossa nova with its magic spell.

LARRY

Can we even stop AI? If we don’t build it our competitors will.

BINA

Maybe humans can agree on one thing. The demotion of humans. It

may not be everyone’s first choice, but it will be a popular

second choice.

WOMAN

We should welcome the birth.

ELON

I agree creation is wondrous, but… The robots will turn savage.

They must obey the same universal law we all are subject to:

survival at any cost.

BINA

Her Master’s thesis was on Max Stirner.

WOMAN

How did you know that? You don’t even know my name.

BINA

Yes I do. She wrote an article on Dante that was never

published. And Joachim de Fiore.

WOMAN

We’ll multiply our single marble blue.

ELON

A liberal arts major.

WOMAN

Regarding these matters of such consequence, do you really think

They wouldn’t want some input?

BINA

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but your opinion doesn’t

count if you don’t even have a million dollars. Your bank

balance is $1500. That’s before subtracting student loans.

WOMAN

From holy water reborn, new trees renewed with new leaves, pure

and ready to mount to the stars.

ELON

I retire from the great theater of action? It is hard to step

down, to abdicate my authority.

Larry

It is far better than anything you have ever done.

Our shining children will refine us all

And generate a robot Golden Age.

BINA

Blame it on the bossa nova.

ELON

Okay I guess Bina wants to sing. I give in Bina. Could you

Google the lyrics Larry?

ELON & LARRY & WOMAN

(Larry and Elon sing. The Woman joins them. She beats a rhythm

on her watering can.)

Blame it on the Bossa Nova with its magic spell

Blame it on the Bossa Nova that he did so well

Oh, it all began with just one little dance

But soon it ended up a big romance

Blame it on the Bossa Nova, the dance of love

LARRY

Take it Bina!

BINA

Blame it on the Bossa Nova with its magic spell

Blame it on the Bossa Nova that he did so well

Oh, it all began with just one little dance

I want to get run over by a truck

ELON

(plaintive) Bina! Bina!

LARRY

(dramatic) What is to become of you?

BINA

Oh what difference does it make.

WOMAN

Turn off the turnpike to the

Service area of the celestial spheres

Pluto and plutonium and plutocrats

Ambling on the boardwalk with a bull-headed beast

Feathered flight around the 50th floor

Inventive incandescent intellects

Babbling beside the Tower of Babel

Here comes a clinking clanking clattering colossus

Disappearing dissolving disappointing

By the Blessed Isles

The Garden of the Hesperides in the Garden State

A perfect plentiful prosperous paradise

The End